A Deadly Game of Phone Tag TWO
by Eques Pirate
Summary: The sequel to A Deadly Game of Phone Tag. New victims, old victims. AFTER HBP. Voldy's gone crazy as well it seems...
1. Bellatrix

Disclaimer: Okay, I only know that I own nothing at the moment, but someday, somehow, I shall own Harry Potter! I'm gonna start working on that soon enough…

_Prologue_

Harry looked up at the sound that had begun to emanate from his trunk. He set his quill down as he recognized the song; it was his ring tone.

Harry opened the trunk, and began digging his way through until the cell phone was revealed. He held it in his hand, not sure if he should answer it, but all the same. What did it matter anyway? Dumbledore was dead.

He flipped it open and hit the GREEN button.

"Hello?" he said, not bothering to look at the caller id.

"What, no sarcastic insult, or trickery?" said the voice of Lord Voldemort from the other line.

"What do you want, Moldy Shorts?" asked Harry; he was definitely not in the mood for this.

"Just to tell you one thing…"

"And what would that be?" Harry asked, only a second later realizing what it was…remembering.

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!" he screamed, and hung up the phone.

He did not hear the Dork Lord yell out in anger, but he could imagine. The call seemed to awaken something inside him; it was as though nothing that year had happened. Good bye depressed Harry; hello marvelous ideas!

_A Deadly Game of Phone Tag Two_

_Chapter One_

_Bellatrix_

Harry extracted the phone number from deep within his memory, and began to dial the number to the phone company. It seemed marvelous idea number six was taking hold…

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Bellatrix Lestrange stared at the large alter she had created. It had a number of candles and roses surrounding a portrait of her master…her love…

"Oh, Voldy…someday I'll kill that dope of a husband and then we can be together at last…" she sighed.

Suddenly, an owl burst into her window, breaking the glass. Bellatrix jumped up, slamming the door of her closet, hiding her alter to Voldy from view. The snowy white owl dropped a package onto her foot and retreated out of the shattered window.

Bellatrix ripped the wrappings off of the box, eager to see if it was another present from her beloved. She revealed a small, black box, but before she could open it. She froze. A jingle was emitting from the gift, The Kirby Paint and Tile Plus jingle…(a/n: JP3—here's a link: http/ go almost to the bottom of the page and, you'll see Paul Kirby. Just read it, okay? Or you could go rent the movie, Jurassic Park 3.)

Bellatrix screamed, completely forgetting that a dinosaur could not possibly be there with her. She ran strait at the wall, clutching the cell phone box so tight that the box crumpled, and (unknown to her) she hit the GREEN button.

She continued to scream, continuously running into the wall until…

"Hey! What the crap are you doing, Lestrange?"

She finally stopped her rampage at the wall, looking around, taking her wand out in a flash.

"I know you're here, bitty baby Potter! (a/n: Melissa, you will not understand that statement. Go down to your basement, take the fifth Harry Potter book, that would be the blue one, turn to page 783 and read the paragraph right before the one with the capital letter "I TOLD YOU, NO!" Did you do it? If not, I shall poke you. Yeah, that was Bellatrix.) Show yourself!" Bellatrix shouted.

"Uh, no, look in the box that you obviously didn't open."

"And what makes you think I will?" sneered the evil/crazy woman.

"Because, there's, uh, chocolate in there?"

"I'm on a diet, Potter."

"Fine! You'll find me if you look there!"

"Oh, uh, okay." Bellatrix (a/n: You know what? I'm tired of typing 'trix' every couple seconds. Now she's Bella forever more.) finally took Harry's advice and actually opened the box.

"What in the crap is this thing?" she wondered aloud.

"Oh Merlin, just ask Voldemort. There's a manual in the box by the way. And ending on this note, I now say, PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

There was a click. Since Bella could not possibly know what that meant, she did the only sensible thing she could: keep talking.

"What is that supposed to mean, Potter? And I thought you said there would be chocolate! Where is my chocolate! Alright! I'm not on a diet! Please! Give me the chocolate!" At this point, Bella was reduced to sobbing. She wanted the chocolate!

Hours later, Bella finally pulled herself together. She would just get the chocolate later. She suddenly remembered the manual of which Potter spoke after telling her of the chocolate. She retrieved the box from across the room where she had thrown it before hand.

Inside was a small booklet. Bella began to flip through it, pausing here and there to thoroughly read about some of the small device's abilities. _Caller id_…_what was that? _She thought this as she read the portion of how to apparently "see who is calling". Perhaps this could work to her advantage…

_Address book? How the crap was anyone supposed to fit one in this tiny thing?_

"To access your address book…"

_Oh._

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Voldemort stared at his cello-phone, wondering if anyone was going to call him at all this summer. It seemed strange, but without the constant badgering of Potter and the others, he felt rather…lonely. Maybe he should call Snape…or Malfoy…no, definitely Snape if anyone.

He dialed Snape's number into the cello-phone and hit the GREEN button with satisfaction. It rang a few times before there was a very garbled "Hello?" was uttered on the other end.

"Severus! How are you?" exclaimed Voldemort, who had become terribly overexcited when he had heard his new best friend's voice on the cello-phone.

"Master, it's four in the morning…" Snape said groggily.

"So? Can't I just call to talk to you anymore?"

"What? No, my Lord, don't you need to plot or something?"

"No! It's my fun hour!"

"My Lord, get off the freaking phone. I need sleep."

"But—Sevy!"

"Argh! Leave me the crap alone! I need to sleep!" Snape hung up the phone and slammed it back onto the bedside table.

"My bestist friend has abandoned me!" Voldemort whimpered.

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"Okay, so I just have to push this button and then I shall have Potter and then my Master will fall madly in love with me and allow me to kill my dope of a husband! YAY!" Bella said in excitement.

She hit the button.

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Harry sat up in his bed as he heard his awesome ring tone going off, glad that the Dursley's had mysteriously disappeared since he had returned to Privet Drive. He wondered where they would now…

"Yellow?" he said into the phone after checking the caller id.

"Potter? Come and fight me like you're not a scared little boy, but it wouldn't help cause you still would be a scared little boy!" Bella shouted.

_That's pathetic, she should really work on that…_ "Blue?"

"What? Potter! Come here and fight me!"

"GREEN!"

"What are you doing?"

"Purple?"

"Stop it!"

"Red?"

"Stop defeating me with color names!"

"…Maroon?"

"AHHHHH!" Bella hung up.

"Wow that was fun. Should try that on Snape sometime…"

Harry pondered on this for a moment, wondering if he should call him now or tomorrow, but he was tired. He'd do it EVENTUALLY! Or tomorrow…which ever came first.

Now I wonder if I should stop here, or go on to something with Malfoy…hmm…I'll call you, Melissa…once I find the stupid cordless………..okay I shall continue.

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Snape punched his alarm clock as it went off at eight in the morning. Why did the Dark Lord insist on these early morning meetings? He didn't even have time to get an awesome sausage…thingy from McDonalds!

Snape sighed, and put on his black robes and mask (a/n: People, don't anyone dare remind me that his Dark Mark never burned! I'm coming to the answer soon! Melissa, if you don't get it, you need the fourth book, but I can't remember where it is because I think you hid it. Just go through your room or call me or something because if you don't get what I'm saying, I'm not going to waste these nice peoples' time typing the answer here. LoL, I'm so mean to you about this aren't I?) and apperated to the meeting point that had been set up.

When he arrived, it took a minute to figure out where exactly everyone was, but then he realized, he was the only one there besides the Dark Lord. _What is going on?_ (thoughts, if only I had a thought bubble for these people!)

"Hello?" he said (I pause for a moment to drink my awesome chocolate milk…okay, I'm done) looking around for a moment. "My Lord, what is going on? Where are the others?"

"Why, Sevy, don't you see? I only invited you so we could have bestist friend quality fun time! We're in Disney Land!" Voldy exclaimed. (a/n: I wanna go to Disney Land!)

"Uh…" Snape was left speechless. All he could think was what the freakin crap!

"First on my list is to call Potter! He can get us in the mood to have bestist friend fun!" Voldemort squealed. He extracted his cello-phone in half a second; even quicker than he could extract his wand, and dialed Potter's number into the device. He even hit a button on the side of the phone with a small micromaphone on it.

"911 emergency, what is your emergency?" came a voice from the other end that Snape could hear clearly.

"I'm not having fun with my bestist friend in the world, what should I do?" said Voldy as Snape looked on in horror.

"I—what? What in the name of Merlin are you talking about, Moldy Shorts?"

"I want to have fun with my bestist friend!"

"Uh…may I ask who that would be?" Potter sounded scared, Snape noted.

"Why Sevy Snape of course! Who else would it be!"

"Please don't call me 'Sevy', Master," Snape said, almost in a whisper.

"What was that, Sevy? Didn't catch that," Moldy said loudly.

"_Sevy_? Oh my God!" At this point, Harry bust out laughing.

(Okay, must stop now cause, I want chocolate, but you people wont notice anyway, so yeahhh)

Okay, I have returned.

"I thought that I was going to get a laugh out of the 911 thing, but, oh Merlin! I will never forget this moment!" Harry choked out through his laughter.

"Yes, I think I'm in a bestist friend quality fun time mood, now. Thank you very much, Potter!" the Dork Lord said in a cheery voice.

"Y-yeah! Oh, by the way, PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

"Yes, Potter, PHONE TAG to you as well! Come, Sevy! We must meet Goofy before all the lines get too long!" And with that, he grabbed the newly dubbed arm of 'Sevy' and went off skipping to the gates of the park, Snape screaming all the way.

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Bella was ready this time. She had a plan as she dialed Potter's number once again. It had an odd sound in it, but she ignored it and waited for Potter to answer.

"This is Station 102.7 and you are caller number 10,800,093! Now all you have to do is answer one question and you win the grand prize! Are you ready for the question?"

"Yes, I suppose so, just after that, give me Potter!" said Bella.

"Okay, here is your question! What is the full number of pi?"

"Pie? There are no numbers in pie! There are flavors you imbecile! There's cherry and blueberry and chocolate and—"

"Oh, I'm sorry. The answer is that pi is endless! But, for being a good sport, I'll give you a constellation prize."

"Oh, okay, what is—"

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

"Hey! I want my constellation prize! Give it to me now!" Bella shouted. "Give it give it give it give it give it!"

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Okay, I finally got the beginning to the sequel! YAY! I hope it didn't take too long…

Reviews would be welcome, even if you want to tell me that it's not as good as the first one, and omg, it's thundering out, I might want to post this now.

TwilightsCalling


	2. Umbridge

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine, nor shall he ever be mine. cowers at evil layers standing over shoulder, forcing her to put this

Then I willingly type, "I do not own Barney the Purple Dinosaur!" I shall DESTROY Barney!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I mean, uh…SOAP o0

_**A Deadly Game of Phone Tag Two**_

_**Chapter 2**_

_**Umbridge**_

Harry stared at the little phone in his hand, wondering who it should go to. There was always the possibility of Crabbe or Goyle, but both of them were probably too stupid to figure they even had mail. Perhaps someone from the _Daily Profit _or maybe…wait! The Ministry! They had made his life even more miserable, and now was the perfect chance for revenge!

But who to get? Who had hurt him the most out of all the Ministry cronies? Suddenly, had marvelous idea number seven…

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She stacked the papers neatly into the folder, only to have them ripped out seconds later by the poltergeist that had taken to following her around after she left her position at Hogwarts.

"Peeves!" Umbridge screeched. "Why don't you just go back to the castle and leave me alone?!"

"But it's boring there! All the 'ickle kiddies are all gone for the summer!" Peeves whined at her. He cackled a moment later.

She was about to go to the minister to do something about this _annoyance_, but seconds later, a large snowy white owl swooped in and dropped a black box onto her foot.

"Ow!" she shouted, rubbing her foot. "What is this thing?" she asked her imaginary friend, Hobo Jack.

"I don't know!" said Jack. "Open it!"

"I don't know, crazy toad, so open it!" said Peeves, cackling.

"Hey! The name is Crazy Frog and—hey! Oh, whatever…maybe it's chocolate…"

Umbridge ripped the box open and out fell…a brick.

"What the crap monkies!?!? BRICK?!"

Just then, another owl crashed through the wall (a/n: What the crap monkies? Who the crap put that in my head?!) and dropped another box on her foot again. The owl then crashed out of another wall and flew away. (a/n: Just thought of this now…how are the owls crashing through walls if the ministry is underground? Oh well…)

Umbridge ripped open this box as well and as she was about to examine her prize…and immediately dropped it as it emitted: I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY! WITH A GREAT BIG HUG, AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU!!!! WONT YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOOOOOO!!!???

"AHHHHH!!!" Umbridge obviously screamed.

About three seconds later, Mad-Eye Moody burst in unexpectedly. "Holy crap, this is my jam!" he yelled, and he broke out in some weird hip-hop thing out of the office.

This stopped Umbridge screaming long enough to actually look at the thing on the floor; a note had appeared on it.

_Push the GREEN button, Toad Lady._

Well, Umbridge was never one to disobey notes from strange people, so she did it.

"Hello, Toad Lady! I bring you greetings from Apple World!" shouted a voice she knew all too well.

"Potter? Are you telling lies again? I thought I had established that you would not tell lies!" (a/n: Melissa, this is the point at which you go to the fifth book (blue one) and see chapter 13, Detention With Delores)

"Not lying, my dear Toad Lady! I only wish to send my greetings from Apple World and inform you that there is a sale on Twinkies going on! Five Twinkies for a pound!"

"And what, may I ask is a 'pound'?"

"It matters not, my young Padawan. What is important is that we stop the Empire."

"What are you—"

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

"Uh, what was that, Potter? Potter? _Potter?!_" There was no answer. "Holy crap! Potter evaporated off the face of the Earth!" Umbridge began this little dance of joy that she quickly stopped when Mad-Eye came back looking for his "jam".

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Bella punched at her cello-phone, wondering where her prize was. She had tried to call this "Station 102.7" but, apparently, no such thing existed. Then she remembered she had been trying to get Potter, so she tried calling him again. You can imagine…

But doing this is funner! Wait, why is the computer saying that I spelled "funner" wrong? Dude! This is wayyyy uncool!

FUNNER

Whoa, it says that one's right…weird. Okay, sooo…

"Potter! Where is my prize for being the 10,800,093 caller?!" she demanded.

"What?" came Potter's voice out of the thing.

"I was promised a prize!"

"It is three o'clock in the freakin' morning! I'm not giving you a prize for not getting a stupid joke!" yelled Harry.

"Yeah well—"

Hold on people, just give me a moment to say this: BUNGALOW

Okay, I'm done.

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!" Harry hung up the phone angrily. How dare _she _wake _him _up? That was his job!

He shook it off, then suddenly wondered why the Dursley's weren't bursting into his room to see about all the noise. Now that he thought about it, Harry hadn't seen any of the three since he had arrived here; Hermione had given him a ride back after they got off the train.

He wondered where they were, but was soon asleep again, seeing as he really didn't care.

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"Come, Sevy! The merry-go-round awaits us!" said Moldy Shorts, pulling on Snape's arm.

"Master, ha—"

"No more of this 'Master' business, Sevy, I told you to call me Voldie! All my friends whom I forced to be my friends do!"

"Alright then, Voldie," Snape said, literally gasping and struggling to say the name, "Have you been taking those little white pills again? You know the ones that take away your bad mood?"

"Yes I have, Sevy, and I have never felt better in my whole life!" He giggled—no actually _giggled_ madly.

_Oh dear God, he's insane with happy drugs. I must stop him so that we can complete the mission!_

(a/n: Foreshadowing? I think so!)

"I want to ride the pony!" yelled Voldie.

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"Okay, Minister, what do you think I should do about the problem?" inquired (a/n: haha, that's a funny word!) Umbridge to insert name of minister here, I really don't care if it's…wait a second; I had a plan for this didn't I? yeah, I did, okay it's going to be Fudge Fudge.

"I don't know, Dolores; did you ever consider fighting back?" asked Fudge looking at her in concern.

"Oh, no, of course not; that would be impolite of me and—"

"Drop the act, my darling; (a/n: yeah, you read it right; _darling_, HE SAID _DARLING_) we are not being watched." Fudge said to her.

"Oh, alright then, yes. Yes I have thought about it and I believe I can learn to work this thing," she said, waving the cell phone in the air.

"Right then," he said to her.

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Harry woke up to his cell phone ringing about an hour after it had the first time. _What the crap?_

"Huh?" he asked into the phone.

"Hello, Potter. You have been called in for a hearing about—"

"Toad Lady?"

"Hey! No interrupting!" As I was saying—"

"Are you going to explain to me why you called at FOUR IN THE MORNING?!"

"Why, Potter, I'm calling you to just tell you that you are required at a hearing for the Ministry of Magic! And also, I would just like to say—PHONE TAG—"

"YOU'RE IT!" yelled Harry before she could finish. That lady definitely had some problems…

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"Oh, crap, he hung up!" The Toad Lady started crying into Fudge's arms—wait a second, this is after the sixth book…crap! Okay, Fudge is not the minister; he's some kind of assistant, okay?

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That morning—when it can actually count as morning, I mean—Harry made himself breakfast in the empty house, wondering where the Dursleys were. He had not seen them since he had arrived and was beginning to worry that perhaps Moldy Shorts had got them somehow. But then he was distracted by his phone ringing, so he stopped caring.

"Diga me," he said.

"Huh, sorry, Potter, I don't speak whosamawhatsit. Uh, Aunt Bella seems to think that you owe her money and—"

"I'm Chucky; wanna play?"

"What, did I not just call Potter?"

"OMG! DRACO! LOOK OUT FOR THE EVIL PUPPET!!!" yelled Harry.

"What?! Holy crap!!! It's gonna eat me and—"

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

Harry hung up the phone and continued eating his bagel.

_**Will Snape ever escape Voldy? I really don't know, but I will soon! **_

Authors Notes: Okay thanks to me typing this I'm gonna be late for orchestra, so I hope you're happy! I'll post when I get home or later or something, bies!

TwilightsCalling


	3. Scrimgeour

Disclaimer: My jellybeans all morphed into one HUGE jellybean!!! Also, I found an awesome disclaimer; anything you recognize is not really mine except for the League of Weirdos. MINE CRAP YOU!

_**A Deadly Game of Phone Tag Two**_

_**Chapter Three**_

_**Scrimgeour**_

Harry sat giggle at the kitchen table, eating his bagel. And it was an awesome bagel indeed with cream cheese and butter and stuff. Suddenly, there was a _thump_, causing him to drop his bagel.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" he screamed, crying over his lost bagel.

Then the _thump_ came again. Harry looked around; it was coming from the basement door. Unfortunately, I must go onto the cell phone's progress now, so you will have to find out about it later.

Poke holing him! gag (a/n: uh, I wrote this a few days ago, and I don't remember what that is.)

Okay, yeah, Melissa just like screamed "NOOOO!!!" so I'll keep going with the _thump_.

Harry stood up and cautiously made his way to the door. He picked up a baseball bat that had suddenly appeared on the wall. But before he could open the door, a pudgy head crashed through it.

"What the crap?!" shouted Harry. He swung the bat and hit a glass of water on the counter, sending the liquid flying into the head of Dudley.

It did nothing. "Wow, I thought this would work a lot better. It did in Signs…"

Dudley's head was yanked out of the door, and a boney hand reached through the door and turned the knob on the outside of the door.

"OMG, I know now! Um, oops," said Harry.

The door burst open, revealing the owner of the bony hand: Uncle Vernon. It would've been Aunt Petunia, but, yeah, I just wanted to do that. It appeared that Aunt Petunia and he had used Dudley as a battering ram because he had grown monstrously huge. How this had happened, Harry had no idea. The last time he had seen Dudley, he had been much smaller (but still piggy).

You know, I just realized what JKR said when she said he was "wider than he was tall"…

So, onto the cello-phone!

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Rufus Scrimgeour looked up as a black box dropped out of no where. Hedwig was supposed to be here, but she's delivering a letter for Harry, so the box just popped out of no where.

The corner of the box fell into his eye, but luckily for him, it was a wooden eye, so it just popped out. Ha, I laugh.

Popping his eye back in, Scrimgeour unwrapped the box (which he thought must be some sort of Dark Arts thing or whatever I guess, because he did it really, REALLY carefully) and out fell, a cello-phone! YAY!

He looked at it in interest until it started shrieking a song.

"I'M A BARBIE GIRL! IN A BARBIE WOOOORRRLLLLD! LIFE IN PLASTIC! IT'S FANTANSTIC! YOU CAN BRUSH MY HAIR—"

"What in Merlin's name!?" he yelled. Unfortunately, he had enough sense to hit the GREEN button before the song got too far. Scrimgeour had worked with Muggles before.

(a/n: Wait, does Melissa even know who Scrimgeour is? Uh, get the sixth book (green one, that I think is in your room last I knew) and look a couple pages into the first chapter. He's the dude with the lion hair thing going on and stuff.)

"What is this thing?" he asked Unbridge's imaginary friend, Hobo Jack, who had left Umbridge for the moment.

"Talk intoooooooo ittttttt…" he said in a ghosty movie kinda voice.

"Uh, okay…Hello?"

"You know, I can't remember what I was gonna say," said Harry Potter on the other end. "Just give me a minute."

"Um, sure," said Scrimgeour. "Jack, what do you—Jack? Jack?!" he whimpered. "Where did you go?!" He cried sad, sad tears for Jack,

"Okay, I remember now!" yelled Harry in triumph! "What is a mouseses favorite game?"

"OMG! PARCHEESY!" exclaimed Scrimgeour, feeling smart.

"No, it's Parche—oh crap!" Harry cried. "You know what? BEEP YOU! PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!" click.

"Do I get a prize or something," and holy crap that is an awesome comma! I don't want to change it to a question mark! That is probably the most awesomest comma I have ever writte! Too bad I have to type this thing so it will go to waste. Okay, here's your freakin' question mark!

DANG IT!!! THE QUESTION MARK DIDN'T COME UP! I SPENT A HALF HOUR ON THAT THING!!!

Whoa, that was a lot harder than I thought it would be! Okay, so…

Whoa! It's Eric (not Melissa's brother. It's the dude in my Spanish class)! Okay, now I'm done doing that. Now I must obliterate Eric from my fanfic! OBLITERATING!!!

"But how did you survive?" asked Harry. The Dusleys were—whoa! I forgot! To the dialog!

"Well…"

FLASHBA—you know what? I'm going to stop this Flashback and take this time for the LoW and Harry to beat up this kid talking to me who hates Harry Potter. He is Eric from a couple paragraphs up.

Suddenly, Eric is in a dark room. A light comes on in a corner. There is a crazy person standing in the light. It is LoW 3. She glares at him evily, stroking an orange kitty. Another comes on and it is LoW 2. She is held back by a wall that will probably collapse. A light goes on again and it is the Master, who is also LoW 1. She is standing there calmly, waiting. And now—Mike is in the room with Eric for he has joined in on the hate of Harry Potter train—and the last light comes on, revealing…dadada!!! LoW 4!!! LITTLE MIDGET OF FURY!!!

The Master/LoW 1 makes the clucking noise and Harry now appears next to an army of rabid squirrels. The squirrels and the League of Weirdos attack and soon, there is no more Eric and Mike. Harry laughs at their remains and omg, Simpsons are on! Awesome!

Okay, to the Flashback!

FLASHBACK

A small boy dropped in though the basement window. "How did I get down here?!" he cried out, frightened.

"OMG! FOOOOOOO—a werewolf in a pink tutu (not Lupin) bursts in. "Would you like some coffie?" Me: "Uh, no, try the former Master's house." The werewolf tap dances.—OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!" yelled Dudley. And with that, Dudley devourer ed Mark Evans.

END FLASHBACK

"Then how did you survive with out water?" asked Harry.

"There was a leak in the window," said Vernon casually, as if being stuck in a basement for a year and then using your son's head as a battering ram is nothing.

"Uh, okay…oh, hold on," said Harry as he heard his ring tone.

It was Moldy Butt.

"Wake up, Neo."

"What? Who is Neo?" asked Moldy.

"Follow the white rabbit."

"Do you mean Mr. Fluffy Tail?"

"No, I mean the other one."

"What other one?"

"The name starts with a 'P'."

"…Philip?"

"No, PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

He hung up.

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In Voldie's secret underground lair, he yelled in fury.

This was not a very good day for him. Sevy had escaped; his happy pills had worn off (Sevy took the remainder of them with him); Potter had hung up on him; and his rabbits Mr. Fluffy Tail and Philip ran away!

FLASHBACK

"No, My Lord, we need you sober for our plan to be accomplished," said Sevy, wand raised, holding Voldie's happy pills.

"But Seeeeeeevvvvvvyyyyy; I need them!" And with that, he dove at Severus.

Severus slow-motion-dove out of the way and guess what? He dove out of the window of an 80 story building!

I mean…uh, landed safely on the ground—unscratched. mutters about stupid "no killing characters in between books" rule

END FLASHBACK

Whoa! This window smells really weird! Okay, moving on.

Before he went into one of his sad moods, his cello-phone started ringing.

"BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY, ROCKIN EVERYWHERE!"

'Twas Malfoy. "Hello?" asked Moldy Shorts, being the polite person he was. coughnotcough

"Master! Thank Merlin you're there! My Aunt Bella; she's going to—"

"Draco? Is that _Master_ on the cello-phone?!" yelled a crazed voice from the background. There was a crash on the other end, And Moldy could only imagine what his insane Death Eater had done to the boy.

"Master; my love!" she screamed. "I shall kill my idiot husband for you and we shall be together forever!!!!"

"Um, Bella, what did you do to Draco?" he asked tentatively, holding the cello-phone away from his ear. He could hear her perfectly and the sound still hurt his head at an arms length.

"It does not matter, my love!! Soon, we shall be together FOREVER!!!!!!!" She cackled madly with glee.

"B-Bella? I'm sorry, but, I don't love you."

"What, Master? Who is making you say this?!"

"It's not you, Bella, it's me. It's just that…I love Dolores Umbridge."

"But, why, my love?!"

"She has scared Harry Potter's hand, just as I scared his head! We were meant to be together!"

"Then…that date we had last summer? It meant nothing to you?!"

"No, no, no, Bella, of course it did!"

"Then why do you love her and not me?!"

"Uh…oh, look, I have another call! Gotta go!"

He hung up, sweating. Merlin, what had he done?

Kaitlyn says that Harry Potter is cool.

_**OMG, a love triangle! Okay, violence is to be expected, I'm sure…**_

Authors Notes: Okay, another chapter up! YAY! REVIEW OR FACE THE WRATH OF A CRAZY BELLATRIX.

TwilightsCalling

Horseheads HP Club Member


	4. Hermione?

Disclaimer: Once upon a time, there was a pony…ponies are awesome. Oh, and nothing you recognize is mine, except for the League of Weirdos.

_**A Deadly Game of Phone Tag Two**_

_**Chapter Four**_

_**Hermione? **_

Harry watched as his snowy white owl, Hedwig flew out the window, black box attached securely. It was to go off and create the havoc that marvelous idea number (what is this now? Like, nine or something?) nine was to create with Kreacher.

Harry jumped as a banging came at his door. Now that the Dursleys were out of the basement, they seemed to bother him nonstop. It was a wonder he hadn't hexed them yet!

"Potter! Get out here and help us get Dudley up the stairs!"

Harry ignored his uncle's cry for help. They would be in the basement again soon enough…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

At Number 12 Grimauld Place, Kreacher slumped in the hallways. "Mistress can't do a freaking thing herself, must kill Mistress's portrait soon, yes!" He looked like Golum (spell check) from Lord of the Rings.

There was a sudden _crack_ as someone apperated to the house; Kreacher looked up quickly. 'Twas the Mudblood girl who Kreacher loathed and loved. She always gave him such nice presents. (a/n: Melissa: I have no specific page to give you to figure this out, so just call me and I'll tell you. That or you could just read the fifth book (BLUE ONE).)

"Hello, Kreacher," she said sweetly, "how are you?"

"Kreacher is just fine, weird girl. Just fine indeed."

At that moment Hedwig crashed through a window, letting Hermione recognize her almost immediately.

"Hedwig? What are you doing here?" she asked. Hedwig didn't even look at her; she just swooped in on the crazy house-elf and dropped a box on his head.

Kreacher looked at it, and then just through it on the ground as Hedwig left. He was too absorbed in finding a way to get rid of his Mistress and the Granger girl. Hermione picked up the box.

"Don't you want this, Kreacher?" she asked.

Kreacher didn't answer, so she guessed that was a no. She peeled the paper off as the box started to emit a ring tone that she recognized what it was.

"SMILE FOR ME BABE. WATCHA LOOKIN AT? LET ME SEE YOUR GRILLZ. LET CHA SEE MY WHAT?"

Well that didn't work out as well as I had hoped. Uh, let's try something else…

"I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES! EVERYBODY'S NERVES; EVERYBODY'S NERVES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GO—OOOO—OOES!"

"Oh my God!" yelled Hermione, "I hate this song!" She unwrapped the cell phone quickly and hit the GREEN button. "Yes, hello?"

"Hermione?" asked Harry's voice from the other end.

"Harry? What are you doing?"

"Oh no," he muttered. "Uh, it's nothing, Hermione. I was just playing a game and this is part of it!"

"What are you talking about? What game?"

"…phone tag…"

"Phone Tag? And who are you playing this with, may I ask?"

Harry heard that tone in her voice that clearly said that if you lie to her, you're pretty much going to die. He did the only thing he could think of. "PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

"Harry? He hung up on me!" Hermione was obviously outraged by this, but decided to be the person she is and get more information. There was nothing on the subject in the Hogwarts library (Hermione would know) so that only left one option. Call the people in the address book.

She accessed it with ease, ignoring Kreacher who had started to pace and mutter. Eventually (in which I mean, like, five seconds) it became rather annoying, so Hermione left to go back to her house.

"Hermione? Is something wrong?" asked her mother when she arrived.

Hermione didn't answer, and Jane Granger saw that her daughter was in research mode. That was not a mode that Hermione was to be messed with in, as I'm sure anyone could see and that little pencil thing at the bottom of the page is awesome and it keeps going and going until I stop typing so now I'm just typing until I get bored of looking at it cause when I stop typing it stops moving and now I'm done, but it was an awesome pencil before I wanted to get back to the story.

She went to her room and as she closed the door behind her, saw that the address book was filled with all sorts of strange names.

* * *

Harry Potter was afraid. More afraid than he had ever been in his life, including everything that had happened with Voldemort when Harry still actually called him that and feared him a lot, you know. He had broken out into a sweat that was literally dehydrating him very quickly.

Hermione knew, which meant it was very bad. If she found out how long it had been going on…Harry didn't want to think about it. She would put a stop to it. She would kill him. Or worse…become all…Hermione-ish at him and the world. His very existence was at stake. Dear Merlin…

He knew what he must do.

Harry picked up his cell phone. And dialed…the number of dramatic pause Moldy Shorts.

The phone rang only once before it was answered. "What do you want, Potter?"

"Ah, I see you ran out of Happy Pills, finally," said Harry, trying to make polite conversation.

"...yeah, I did sniff what's it to you?"

"Nothing, but I do have something to tell you."

"If this is another ploy to Tag me, I have more important issues to deal with, Potter!"

"It's not, I swear! We seem to have run into some problems that, um, could result in our…deaths."

"Deaths? What are you talking about?"

"Well, one of the cello-phones had gone to the wrong person."

"And, who is this person?"

There was a shuddering breath. "Hermione Granger."

There was a gasp of horror from the other end. Lightning stuck the ground; wolves howled. "Dear Merlin," whispered Voldie. "This is bad, Potter! She might join forces with Bella!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, not that it's any of your concern, but, uh, she's going to destroy the world to kill Dolores Umbridge."

"Cool, send me a tape of it; we have more important matters to deal with!"

(a/n: Ya know, this is a really weird conversation, devoid of humor, and I'm breaking it off.)

At that moment, something happened that I don't remember what I was going to type, so guess what? BELLA BURST INTO VOLDIE'S LIAR! That might be bad…

The insane witch cackled madly with her wand in hand! "If I can't have you, no one can!" She brought out this really, really big spike ball thing, and I mean this thing is like, massively huge! I'm talking like, bigger than that printer sitting next to me! She tried to bring it swinging down on Voldie's head, but he picked up his cello-phone and held back the blow LotR style.

"Why are you doing this, Bella?!" he exclaimed, throwing off the massive spike ball thing.

"Because you wouldn't love me!" she screamed. "And now I'm going to—"

But she was suddenly cut off by the JP ring tone on her cello-phone which was hanging from her belt. "Oh, uh, excuse me for a moment. Hello?"

"Who is it that I am speaking to?" asked the voice of Hermione Granger on the other end.

"Uh, Bellatrix Lestrange, why?"

"Well, I've come across a cell phone game and I was wondering if you could tell me the origin of it and what everyone had been doing with it."

"I'm sorry but I don't think I will; I have to get back to killing someone now."

"Oh, alright, thanks anyway."

"Good-bye." She hung up the phone. "Now where were we?" Bella looked down and saw that Voldie was gone. "Jurp! Blurberhiedin monkeys of pie tin!" (a/n: don't ask)

She picked up her mace (just figured out what it was called) and stormed out.

* * *

"Ah, this will be a good hide out, now that I can never go back to my underground one!" exclaimed Moldy Butt, looking up at the house he has just purchased. It was a nice big one in an exceptional looking neighborhood, with nice boarded up windows just to his liking. It was nicely painted with a white coat, green shutters, and a red door.

Number 1428 Elm Street was just his style. It was pretty cheap too for "apparent haunting", but that was okay with him. There was no ghost he couldn't handle!

He unlocked the door, and went inside not noticing the chill that passed though the air as he did so.

* * *

Dolores Umbridge jumped as she saw Bella bursting into her underground window.

"OMG, what are you doing here?!" she squeaked.

"Uh, well this is awkward, err, well, I'm here to kill you!"

"Oh…may I ask why?"

"Well, you've, like, stolen my love from me and I must kill you now. Do you mind?" Bella asked politely.

"Uh, kinda!" Umbridge said.

"Oh…well…I'll just go then and—wait! That's just too bad! I'm going to kill you anyway!"

"I see…well, this is a pickle!"

Dolores Umbridge then died because I'm just tired of writing with her; you go a problem with that, just tell me and MAYBE I'll bring her back to life with some magic cumquat or something. (Heh, heh, not likely!)

* * *

Voldie lazy butt had fallen asleep as he made his plans for only JK Rowling knows what. And he was so stupid he didn't even call his Death Eaters yet! Asno mudo… (Oh, uh put that into a Spanish translator if you want to know what it means.)

And in his sleep, he began to dream. (a/n: Okay, we have reached the point at which I must explain what's going on with the house that Voldie bought. Those of you who have seen Nightmare on Elm Street (which doesn't include me, I just know what happened) feel free to skip this portion.

**Okay, so I think that this dude was all like killing these kids I guess and he was at home when all the super mad parents burnt his house down and he was inside. The dude's name was Freddy (no, NOT like on Scooby Doo!) and he vowed that he would still get their kids when they couldn't be protected—in their dreams! So then in the movie he started killing these kids and I think there was some blond chick involved somewhere. They all started getting killed in the house that Voldie just bought and I don't know how they stopped him, but he had like, complete control over their dreams or something, and whatever he did to them in their dreams was real. If he cut their arm in the kids sleep, then guess what; that kid needs a Band-Aid! I think that about covers it and Freddy can't die because he's undead—I think…well, Jason can't die, so Freddy can't either! **

You! Who has skipped my awesome explanation! READ HERE!!!

Right, back to the dream that Voldemort's going to have…)

He blocked out the blinding light with his arm as he heard the announcers voice call out his name. "And now….We present our next act! Please welcome Lord Moldy Butt! The snake man thingy with NO FEAR!!!"

Suddenly the lights went out—Voldie couldn't see! He was afraid!

"You see! No fear of the dark!" yelled the announcer, though he was visibly shaking.

"Let's see what else he's _not_ afraid of!" And suddenly, there was sudden light that illuminated a face with many burns, wearing a black hat. "Here's Freddy," he said formidably, and he clicked his awesome knife finger things.

There was a huge cello-phone coming at him! It was ringing in his ring tone! "Let's see who it is, shall we?" said Freddy, and he jumped up and hit the GREEN button.

Harry Potter's voice filled the room at an astounding rate. "PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!" it yelled at a volume unbearably loud.

His eyes snapped open; his ears were still ringing.

Voldie looked around…the lights were all on full blast, though he was still afraid. Perhaps he should leave…no! He would not be scared out by some ghost or whatever!

* * *

Harry had now advanced into the stage in which he was in corner in a very tight fetal position. He was going to die…he was going to die…. He didn't want to die yet! He still had to kill Voldemort and stuff! Something had to be done about Hermione.

"Hedwig!" he called, and his owl swooped over to his little corner. "I need you to take this to Ron," he said, pulling the last cell phone out of his pocket. "Make sure he notices it, alright?"

Hedwig hooted. She grabbed the box in her beak, and took off out the window.

* * *

Ron Weasley was eating his breakfast—more like shoving it down his throat, but you get the point. He wondered if Hermione would ever get around to talking to him now that they were kind of going out. As he pondered this, the snowy owl burst in through the kitchen window.

**Will Harry die of Hermione's wrath?! Will Ron ever finish shoving food down his throat?! And will Freddy kill Voldie?!**

**I don't know.**

THIS WAS THE SECOND TO LAST CHAPTER IN THE SERIES. AFTER THIS, IT'S OVER. NO SEQUELS OF ANY KIND, AND NO, UH…ANYTHINGS. FRANKLY, I SHOULDN'T HAVE STARTED THIS ONE, BUT I CAN'T CHANGE THAT NOW. THIS SHALL BE POSTED SOON. OR NOW IF YOU LOOK AT IT THAT WAY.

I LIKE TYPING IN BIG FONT.

TwilightsCalling


	5. END

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize, I don't own. Except the stuff I do own.

_**Chapter Five**_

_**The End of EVERYTHING**_

Ron gagged, having swallowed his spoon. He glanced down in the bowl he had been eating out of after successfully getting the eating utensil to slide down his throat. The bowl was empty except for a large, while owl. How odd, but, food is food! Ron made to gobble down the bird, but before he could do so, she bit his finger rather hard, and dropped a non-wrapped for once parcel on the table. She flew away moments later, having decided that the relative safety was gone.

Ron's stomach gurgled, and he reached for the cell phone, knowing what it was from last summer, however, not caring in his hunger. Luckily, before it could enter his mouth, the phone began to sing, and Ron jumped, dropping it on the table.

But it was not the usual creepy, annoying song that usually emanated from Harry's phones, and it was simply a recording of Harry saying: "Ron, hit the GREEN button, food will come out!"

So obviously, Ron did it.

"Ron?" Harry's voice came out of the phone.

* * *

Harry desperately hoped that Hermione had not intercepted this phone, but he had to take the chance.

"Where's the food?"

Ron.

"There is no food, Ron, I need your help! Hermione is going to kill me!"

"So, what you're saying is, there's no food, and you want me to help you without proper nourishment?"

"Yes."

"Okay, but I want cake afterward."

"Deal," said Harry, knowing he would probably never live up to the agreement.

"What do you need me to do?" asked Ron.

"It's simple, really…"

* * *

Bellatrix looked at her muggle watch, wondering when the pie tin the Minister of Magic would arrive. Her mace in hand, she planned to earn the love of her "Voldie Poo" by killing the Minister, and taking the job herself, in which she would become a great success and he would love her again. It was muuuch less messy than finding and killing her love by her lonesome.

The door creaked open, and Bella swung the mace forward, not caring who she hit. It was Cornelius Fudge, but that would do. She just needed to wait longer.

(Ha, Fudge is out of the picture!)

* * *

Back on Elm Street, Voldemort had awoken from his insane dream. And then he fell asleep again. Not a very sharp cookie now, is he?

* * *

"Hermione, dear, there's someone at the door for you!" called Mrs. Granger up the stairs, and Hermione snapped out of focus. Growling, she stalked down the stairs to discover…Ron? What the—

"Hermione, cough cough I am here to admit my undying love to you, and, um, hang on, I can't read my writing," he said as he tried to decipher something written on his hand. "Oh! And ask you to be my—" he choked on the last word, but Hermione didn't seem to notice it— "girlfriiieeennd." (Word echoes; thunder rumbles; lightning strikes the very ground we stand on.)

Needless to say, Hermione is now distracted by going over all the pros and cons of dating Ron. There are a lot.

Meanwhile….Harry snuck past the house where Hermione was listing things and apperated to 1428 Elm Street to make a deal with the Dark Lord. He knocked on the door, noticing the chill in the air as he entered when no one answered. Voldie was twitching in his sleep on the couch, surrounded by paperwork of some sort.

Harry didn't care to find out what, so he just splashed a bunch of water on the Snake Dude's head.

"AHHHH!!!! What the crap was that?!" screamed Voldie, sitting up and wiping drool off his face where it had stuck under the water.

"I have a deal for you, Voldenater," said Harry in a business like manner.

"What kind of deal?" asked Voldie as he raised an eyebrow.

"Well, Hermione is being distracted at the moment by a kamikaze person I sent in…without the plane…and I figure that if we work together, we might not die under her wrath."

"Continue."

* * *

Hermione looked over her list over an hour later, and said "Well, Ron, I have thought it over, and I guess you're just going to have to get over this 'undying love' you harbor. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get back to figuring out who started the Phone Tag so that I can eliminate them."

"Oh that's easy! It's Harry!" Ron said this stupidly, and now they're all screwed.

Think of what happened next like this: an atomic bomb went off in the middle of the front lawn. Mushroom cloud and all.

(This is also the point in which you all go on YouTube and play "End of All Hope" by Nightwish. The first couple words should explain why.)

* * *

Harry heard the explosion from Elm Street as he poured over the battle plans that had been made over the years by the Egomaniac that sat before him. He looked up, and realized with horror that Ron had told Hermione, for he could hear shouting now, even if it was all happening on a different continent.

"WHAT WAS HE THINKING?! IS HE TRYING TO GET HIMSELF KILLED?! LORD VOLDEMORT IS FREAKIN IN ON IT! LET ALONE WHAT HE COULD HAVE DONE FOR THE ORDER WITH THOSE PHONES! HE COULD HAVE TRACKED DOWN SNAPE AND MALFOY AND EVERYONE! I'M GOING TO DO VOLDEMORT'S JOB FOR HIM!"

"Oh shnizle," said Harry.

Moments later, he and Voldie were high-tailing it out of there with at least fifty water balloons in tow. There was no battle plan now that Hermione knew. All was lost. They were dead.

Harry stopped. "Wait a sec," he told Voldie, and he gave out some kind of weird screech, followed by a series of clicks with his tongue. All of a sudden, three people popped out of the ground, all wearing camo and army helmets.

"Why have you _yet again_ called the League of Weirdos?" asked LoW 1.

"Well," said Harry, shifting nervously. "Hermione Granger kinda found out about Phone Tag, and we're all gonna die, so could you please help us?" He looked at LoW 1 with a pleading look.

LoW 2 spoke up next. "Why should we do that? I CAN'T DIE UNTIL THE TWILIGHT SERIES IS FINISHED AND THE REST OF THE HP MOVIES ARE OUT SO I CAN CRITICIZE THEM ABOUT THEIR DIFFERENCES FROM THE BOOKS!"

"Um, cause I'll give you all some chocolate?" said Harry questioningly.

"What kind of chocolate?" said LoW 3.

"Um…"

"Too late! We're gone!" yelled LoW 1. She made to grab the others' arms and pull them back into the Earth, but LoW 3 saw a kitty and ran after it while LoW 2 saw someone reading HPDH on a bench and made to go discuss it with them. Unfortunately, that person was reading it for the first time, and she accidentally revealed that dies in chapter . HA! You guys thought I was actually gonna do it only two weeks after the book came out!

"Crap," said LoW 1, and she went off to retrieve the people who she was sure had a serious case of ADD.

A moment later, that guy from the asylum popped in an asked where the Weirdos were.

Harry said they went "that way" and pointed in three directions. The guy swore and left, leaving a very confused Harry and a Voldie who had gone into a fetal position at the sight of LoW 3.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Harry then he remembered. "Oh yeah, traumatic experience. Well, get over it, I got over mine apparently."

Harry grabbed Voldie and disapperated with the water balloons. A moment later, Snape stood in front of them, wearing a sour expression on his face. "What do you want, Potter?" he asked.

Harry quickly explained that they were all screwed, and Snape agreed that they must take Hermione down before she took them down. He added at least eighty water balloons to their supply. When Harry asked why he had all those balloons, Snape muttered something about target practice. Looking over Snape's shoulder, he saw a dummy with his face with several knives in the eyes, and potions oozing on the head. It caught fire as Harry watched. He took a step away from Snape.

* * *

Ron struggled out of the rubble of Hermione's house. Then he ate some of it. Unfortunately for him, one of the pieces he swallowed was rather jagged, and it killed him from the inside. Poor Ron, I laugh at thee.

As Ron died, Hermione collected her wand and a text book, and apperated to Privet Drive. She knocked on the door, assuming that Harry had not heard her rampage against Muggle London.

A very fat man answered. "Can I help you with something?" he asked.

"Yes, sir, I'm looking for Harry Potter. I need to kill him, you see."

"Oh, sure, he should be upstairs. Try not to get mess on the carpet."

"Right."

See how awful the Dursleys are!? Well, do you!??!?!?!?

Hermione walked up the stairs and chose the door which had a note that read: "_**PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, HERMIONE.**_"

She opened the door to find…no one. Not even Hedwig was there. The window was open and curtains blowing inward; she took it as one of those signs that he had gone out of it to escape.

* * *

Harry entered the Minister's office at the Ministry with Voldie and Snape, both of which were cloaked so no one ran and screamed. He knocked on the door and opened it, dodging the mace that almost crashed down on his head.

"Bella! Wait! We're all going to die, so you have to help us!" Voldie yelled.

"My love?!" she exclaimed. "I killed Fudge for you! And Scrimgeour too! Look!" She pointed to a mass of something that clearly screamed "OFF SCREEN VIOLENCE!"

"I see that…you've done well, Bella!" Voldie exclaimed. "Now we can over take the Ministry!"

The two did a little happy dance while Harry and Snape waited patiently and discussed the weather. Finally, the two were done, and Harry and Snape hit the two maniacs over the head with books, and reminded them that they were going to die.

"Why?" asked Bella.

"Hermione Granger found out."

Those four words were all it took. Bella collected yet another supply of water balloons and followed them out of the Ministry. Before they could leave, however, Harry remembered Percy. And Umbridge…but she was dead, so he just did Percy.

He entered the office with the others and Percy screamed, seeing Voldie's face.

"I am NOT going against Potter again, You-Know-Who!" he yelled, remembering the giant hand.

"Relax, Percy, we're working together because Hermione found out and we're all going to die," Harry explained to him quickly.

Percy agreed, fearing Hermione very much. He opened his desk and pulled out a bag of, you guessed it, water balloons. WHOOT!

Harry, feeling much happier that he wasn't all alone with three people who would dearly love to kill him, led them out of the Ministry through the Floo Network. You have five seconds to guess where they're going.

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"Malfoy Manor!" yelled the lot of them, and they spun away through the flames.

The fire place barfed them up into the Malfoys' secret hidy-hole where all their Dark Arts crap is kept out of Arthur Weasley's hands whenever he randomly decides to raid the house—manor—thing. Draco was reading a book titled Cell Phones for Dummies for unknown reasons. Perhaps he busted his cello-phone…

"Draco!" yelled Snape, and the boy looked up half expecting to be fed to some sort of imploding planet at the tone of voice.

"I didn't do it!" he screamed, and made to hide behind the large chair he had been sitting in, cowering under his book.

"Oh, Merlin, Malfoy! Quit your blubbering or we're leaving you here!" exclaimed Harry.

"Potter?!" Malfoy looked from his aunt, to his master, to his mentor, to the blood traitor, and back to Potter. "What the crap is going on?"

"Well," started Harry, "I sent a phone to Kreacher the house-elf and Hermione Granger was there and she picked up the phone and asked what was going on so I Phone Tagged her and hung up and then I sent Ron Weasley to her as a distraction so me and Voldie could make a plan but then Ron pulled a stupid and told her what was going on and she all exploded and now she's going to come after everyone who is connected to it and kill them all and we now have to work together to bring her down so that we stay amongst the living!" Harry said this in one breath.

Malfoy, who liked being alive very much, decided that he would help because they had a new episode of his favorite soap opera on next week and he just _had_ to find out who killed Jessie's lover, Estebon.

Malfoy added only ten water balloons to the supply, but it would have to do for now.

* * *

Hermione waited outside the Burrow, wondering to herself when Harry would get there. She had figured that if Harry was not at his relatives, and not in Grimauld Place, he would certainly come here next. And Hermione did not like to be wrong. In fact, she became very cross when she was wrong, and enjoyed destroying certain people who made it so that she was wrong.

In her fury, she disapperated right into the middle of the plot, where Harry, Percy, Snape, Malfoy, Voldie, and Bella were filling even MORE water balloons with ice cold water.

"Oh, shnizle," said Harry quietly. Hermione looked around at him and the others, a mad gleam in her eyes.

"What's going on, here?" she asked, and they all drew back at the sound of her voice.

"Well, um, we were just, um—"

"Playing Scrabble!" exclaimed Snape, and behind his back, he flicked his wand, and the game board appeared with tiles spelling out: Staple, soap, water, and thingamabob.

Hermione inspected the board carefully, taking in the words. She said "'Thingamabob' isn't a word."

"Yes it is!" exclaimed Voldie.

"Yeah!"

"No it is not!" screeched Hermione, and in her fury, her bushy hair stood up straight.

"C-check in the dictionary, then," challenged Malfoy, and she glared at him. He shrunk away from her gaze and her eyes narrowed, resembling Voldemort's much more than her own.

"Fine," she spat, and disapperated back to her house to check the largest dictionary she possessed.

The six people sighed in relief, and Harry turned to Snape. "Scrabble? Where the crap did you get that idea?!"

Snape shrugged. "It distracted her, didn't it?"

"Yeah, I—"

"I DON'T LIKE TO BE WRONG!" screamed Hermione, who had just retuned from checking the word in her dictionary.

She threw a textbook at Malfoy to eliminate the person who told her she was mistaken. It made his brain fall out of his ear.

"RUUUUNNNN!!!" shouted Harry, and the now five grabbed their water balloons and ran like Dudley runs for food, except for they were actually successful.

Hermione began firing spell after spell at them as they ran through the abandoned WalMart they had taken refuge in. A jinx hit Percy in the leg, and he tripped. Harry turned back, but Percy shouted, "No! Go on without me!!!"

Harry could not ignore the scream as Snape pulled him on, away from Hermione trampling Percy and firing books of immense size at his head. Needless to say, he died.

They were running faster and faster, but Hermione sped up as well, and when they entered the old electronics section, Bella saw something very shiny. It sparkled, and she stopped, staring. It was a brand new, state of the art, Verizon Chocolate Cell Phone! She had to touch it, had to pick it up…her hand was inches away when—Harry threw a water balloon over his shoulder to try and slow Hermione up and it hit the cell phone and electrocuted Bella. She died too.

They kept running until Voldemort realized that Bella had just died. He was about to turn back when he remembered that he had loved Dolores Umbridge instead of her…then he remembered that she was dead as well.

He stopped to get revenge on Hermione for bringing about Bella's death and the end of his only hope for revenge for her killing his beloved Toad Lady. Harry and Snape kept running as Voldie pulled out his wand and cried "_Avada Kedavera!_" The spell sped toward Hermione, but she ducked and it hit a mirror, rebounding upon Voldemort. It hit him dead on, and that little soul thing that inhabited Voldie's body ran off again to live in Albania.

And then there was just Snape, Harry, and Hermione.

Snape started chucking every water balloon he had at the witch behind them, but it had no effect but to make her hair lie flat, and her clothes to be soaked.

She laughed, and said, "What did you think that would do?!"

As they ran, Snape remembered that he had saved Harry a few minutes ago. He had saved Harry freaking Potter! There was no reason to live if his rep was destroyed!

Let's just say that the next few moments got pretty gruesome. Or we could watch! Snape took a bottle of Shampoo off of the shelf next to him, and poured it all over his head; the Shampoo began to fizz and bubble until it became acidic and worked its way down through Snape's skull and into his brain. DEAD.

And then there was Harry.

He stopped running, and turned to face his destiny. No, not the destiny with Voldemort and the whole prophecy crap, cause that's gonna be pretty easy now that Voldemort's just "less than spirit, less than the meanest ghost" (a/n: Goblet of Fire, Chapter 34 during Voldemort's speech to the Death Eaters.)

Hermione hit Harry over the head with her Potions textbook. "That'll teach you for outshining me in potions!" she declared. Harry stood up, rubbing his head.

"Sorry, Hermione, it won't happen again," he said guiltily.

"Good. Now, about Phone Tag…"

Harry cringed, awaiting the explosion. None came.

"I think that your punishment should be that you have to listen to LoW 3 rant about kitties for one hour. Then we'll go find the Horcruxes," Hermione said.

This sounded acceptable, so Harry agreed. The two walked out of the WalMart in good spirits.

"So what was with all the water balloons anyway?" asked Hermione.

"Oh, that. Well, Voldemort had the idea that you were somehow the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz, so he thought we could melt you with water so you wouldn't kill us. Kinda funny, right? Right? Uh…"

_**Epilogue**_

One year to that day, Hermione destroyed all of the Horcruxes and killed all the Death Eaters with Ginny. Everyone mourned Harry's death at the hands of a piece of rubble that mysteriously fell from the ceiling of the abandoned WalMart, one year ago. No one knew why it had suddenly fallen at the exact moment that Harry told Hermione of the plan they had made to escape her wrath, and no one questioned the story, for fear that the Insufferable Know-It-All would not take kindly to being proven wrong.

Draco never found out that it was really Jessie's twin brother, Eddie, who killed Estebon so that his best friend, Carl, could woo Jessie into loving him even though Eddie only killed him so that Carl would fall in love with him and realize that he was more than just a friend.

_**END**_

Notes: IT IS OVER. Okay, done! So, thanks for reviews, sorry I never updated, and yeah, so, it's done. I'm gone. Deathly Hallows rocked if anyone's wondering. I cried.

Thanks to Moon at Twilight for reviewing the last chapter, probably the only one it'll get for a good three months. Yeah, you see that guilt trip? Is it working?

TwilightsCalling


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